a big ol fuck off

I keep trying to write about you, I can’t get past the first sentence before I remember your vampire teeth or the way your fingers looked aged beyond their years . I can’t forget about the way I thought about you. God i miss you so much sometimes, and then the part of my brain who still care about me pulls up every sleepless night and every single fucking lie. And I think the only thing I can say is sorry i’m not sorry. I’m not the heartless monster you made me out to be. I thought you’d understand what I’d meant when I said it was my life or this relationship and you begged for me to stay. I don’t understand if you cared for me so deeply, why you wouldn’t want what’s best for me. All I wanted was you to be happy, I tried so hard to make you happy. You know what I think? I think you didn’t like me as much as you claimed, and I think you were just as clouded as me. I think you just liked having someone who calmed you down and I was there when you needed someone. You hid so much from me and you pretended to be a different person then you were. I don’t regret a second i spent with you, but i’ll never come back. I’ll never be there for you again.

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